Thoughts for you:
Age. What comes to mind when I mention the word age? For me, it’s truly just a human made up number and finite. What if you could be or feel ageless, limitless and infinite? Well, you can!
Where I am now:
I will be 55 in August of this year (2019) and I am living with more vitality, joy, freedom, happiness, fulfillment, and abundance than ever in my life. When I was younger, I imagined my life to look a certain way for success, joy, freedom, fulfillment, and happiness when I was at this “old age”. It was all based on external things to bring me these things, like being a top leader of some corporation, the salary, the houses, cars, vacations to wherever I wanted to go, etc. However, my life today, looks much different than what I thought it “should” look like.
We all are great creators and manifestors and the Universe, God, Divine (which I prefer) does say, “and your wish (heart’s desire) is my command”.
Now looking back, the core of my heart’s desire was truly to know what love is, to feel it, be it, and to also have great health, vitality, joy, freedom, and happiness. Essentially, my desire was to have abundance in all areas of my life. I can say thank you to Divine and me as this is exactly what I created! I have more than I could imagine of the internal peace, joy, happiness, health, fulfillment and abundance. These things are at the cornerstone of my everyday life and I continue to deepen in them as each day passes.
My Before
One part of my old story was I grew up with two sisters and my mother in a single-parent home living on welfare. Now looking back, my mother was just not being present and carrying heavy weights of her “story” as a victim on her shoulders.
Another part, was I met my father just before my 8th birthday, and was supposed to stay for just that summer. By the end of the summer, he told me that my mother did not want me as to control and manipulate me so I would stay and live with him. I then spent the next years, in a very emotionally abusive home. While an iron fist was being pounded on the table, I was told I was EVERY negative bad name in the book, that I was not good enough and would amount to nothing. During my teenage years, I would attempt to speak up for myself, though met with physical abuse and hit with that iron fist; I was in a household where I was repeatedly told, “you are out line, kids are to be seen not heard.”
I have learned I have come through my parents, but not for them, or TO BE how they want me to be or perceive me to be.
First Big Turning Point:
At the age of 30, I found myself as single mother of 2, having to raise both my daughters with very little emotional, physical, and financial help from their father and ANY family. I began to repeat the same patterns with my daughters that I had grown up with… I often thought of suicide, was depressed, and checked out.
There were a couple of pivotal points in my life that helped to change these patterns, realizing now love, faith and my hearts desires were working at the core. One point was when a teacher called to tell me that one of my daughters was telling her friends that she just wanted to kill herself and die. She was repeating exactly what I had been saying out loud at home! It was a huge wake-up call!
Without a shadow of a doubt my love for my daughters and them being whole inside was one of my greatest heart’s desire, so I sought help. That help was primarily with an anti-depressant pill, as that was ‘normal’ and what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. I also started to pay attention to my words, noticing what I was saying to myself as well as out loud. I definitely stopped saying out loud, “I want kill myself and die”.
It helped some, but there was still an inner struggle, and it would escape from the ugly depths of my soul from time to time.
Another Turning Point:
Although I was “healthy” and a perfect size 6, one day about the age of 40, I woke up and I felt like i was wearing cement boots. That day was the start of my unexplained health issues that went on for quite a few years. Previously, I had never been sick, ever. What the heck was going on? I exercised 6 days a week, ate healthy. I thought I was going crazy. Medical doctors were of no help. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, you name it, I had it. Then the bad allergies, migraines, weight gain, etc. started; it was like I swimming, just barely keeping my head above water and always feeling like I could drown at any moment.
I always cried out to God for help. Sometimes I got help, sometimes I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I had all these bad things happen. All I desired was to have endless joy and happiness, to feel love and be love. Was it too much to ask for?
My biggest Turning Point:
By the summer of 2011, I was in so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I tried taking my own life, even though I believed at the time suicide was the great “sin” of all time. I distinctly remember that night, I had down a bunch of Valium along with a whole bottle of whiskey. I was in a deep frigid cold, a deep bitter cold I had never felt before. Though not awake or conscious and more in a dream state, I cried out for help, to help put me out of my misery, to please end this life.
Still feeling this deep bitter cold, I remember being transcended into a foyer of some sort, with my feet facing toward these two steps a few feet away from me. Right above the two steps was a long hallway. On each side of the hallway were doors on each side. From the left door out came an angel dressed in a black robe with a cape that walked toward me; I had the feeling it was my maternal grandfather. He bent down and with one finger just so lightly touched the very top of my right big toe. I instantly felt a warming, first my feet, my legs, hips, torso, chest, up all the way to the top of my head. Ah! to be out of this bitter cold was such a beautiful feeling!
I awoke and stammered to the bathroom, I was very pale and had slightly blue lips; I was still trying to grasp what had just happened. I cried, got some water and went back to bed, but fell in a deep sleep. When I awoke a few hours later, it was a NEW morning. I had no side effects from the booze and pills, no coldness, no hangover whatsoever; I knew then I was brought back from death and that I truly had a purpose, and that there was purpose in life.
From that day, I vowed to see the love and positive of life, and to be the love and positive.
My After
Fast forward to today, almost 8 years later … I found keys for lasting inner peace and happiness as well as abundance in health, relationships and wealth.
Through my life experiences and all my studies, I have learned that, YES!. this abundance is truly our birthright! We really have two choices in life: we can either choose love or fear, abundance or lack, victor or victim, positive or negative. Just as we were created by a Creator, so we are here to create. We are perpetual creating machines to create expansion or contraction. Every day, I choose to create and expand in a state of love. Which will you choose, love or fear?
In much love, light and abundance,
Rev. Sheila E. Johnson. B.Msc., CHt., CSMC.
“First be love, light and abundance to yourself, and then you can for everyone else.”